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| I had my labs taken on Monday and haven't heard anything beyond that. I'm supposed to get a call from my endocrinologist's office as soon as they get the results back. The nurse told me that they would be in yesterday afternoon & they would fax them to the doctor as soon as they had them. Nothing yet. I'm frustrated! I just want to be over this crap. Done with it! beyond it all, you know? I don't want to have to worry about it.
Anyway.
Thomas is a little boy. I know I've been saying that for a while, but wow...He's kind of amazing to me. He loves music, he loves playing music. He loves listening to jazz music. :) (He's now holding his plastic bat up to his mouth and twisting it. He's pretending he's eating corn on the cob. He pretends almost constantly in some way. I don't know how this started or when it started being such a constant thing. He pretends he's driving, he pretends he's eating candy, he pretends he's eating ice cream, he pretends to do dishes with Daddy, he pretends his toys are either bathing, eating, talking, or dancing. it's so fantastic.
When I ask him what he wants to eat, he will go through a whole list of things he doesn't want to eat. For example, "No bite Lucy. No bite Daddy. No bite hot dog. No bite movers (imagination movers). No bite shirt. No bite Lucy pee-pee" (when Lucy has peed on the kitchen floor in the morning). And Then I will ask, "No, Thomas, what do you WANT to eat?" and he will say something along the lines of, "Uhm....juice!." or "Uhm... milk!" or "Uhm... grilled cheese/pop-ice/ice cream/pizza/french fries/chicken." those are just the things he says most often. Here is a pronunciation key:
Juice - dooce
Milk - mook
Chocolate milk - uh-mook
Grilled Cheese - ee-tcheese
Pop-ice - pop ice
Ice cream - I-peem
Pizza - pee-tah
French Fries - fwa fwies
Chicken - chiten (yeah...that's what it sounds like.)
Imagination movers - Moomoos
Lucy - either oo-see or oo-see-oo (for Lucy loo)
He has also continued to count, and I have heard him get up to 5 on his own when (he thinks) no one is paying attention. As good as he has been at counting to three, suddenly he's starting with two or three and mixing up all the numbers!! Silly kid!!!
oh man...I wrote this this morning, and it's now about 6 hours later. Whoops! Forgot that I was writing it. :) Glad I didn't close Safari earlier!!! I might continue later, but knowing me, I won't. :) | | |
| Tomorrow is Thomas' 2nd birthday. I can't believe that we've made it through two years with this little boy. I can't believe that he's ONLY two. He acts older, and he is so incredibly smart. Not to mention, I can't remember life without him. It's like he's always been here. I'm so excited to greet him in the morning and sing happy birthday.
I am at a loss in other areas of my life. I have so much stress and so much going on inside my head that it's almost like I have to scream just to talk to myself... The worst of it all? Andy is slowly in the process of breaking my heart. Worst part is that he knows that fact, and he doesn't care.
I initially told him about the cancer, and that night, when I was so upset and could hardly think straight, I had to take care of him because he was "depressed" (about his band, mind you, not about me). I desperately wanted to talk to him about all that I was thinking, but when I tried, he just kind of ignored me. His only response was, "You're not going to lose your hair, are you?" (and not really in a concerned kind of way, either. more like...oh shit. I'm going to have to look at you, are you going to lose all your hair?) But you know? I just let it go. I didn't complain about it. We went to my parents' house, and he laid on the couch listening to his iPod, ignoring me, ignoring Thomas, and my mom. I let that go. He didn't really talk...all night. But I let it go. I figured that he would talk to me about it later, when he wasn't so bothered by other things. Then we come home and he gets on my laptop. (he apparently didn't have the energy to get his own out of his laptop bag.) So I waited patiently until I could get on it. He continues to be completely silent to me. I tried to bring up the subject again, and asked him if he wanted to look at the really good website I found earlier that was really informative. He said, "Oh...sure." So he handed it over, I found the site, and gave it back. About three minutes later, he was typing. So I said, "What are you typing?" thinking he was looking up something related to this...Nope. He was on facebook, and apparently the guy who was in charge of the cavaliers when he was a part of them was quitting. So he was trying to figure out why. He was emailing back and forth with some guy on facebook. So I let that go, too. I just ignored it...he didn't read the site...he just opened up a new tab and got on facebook. But I also let that go. I was really pretty upset by this point, but I just took a deep breath and let it all go. There was no point in arguing about something as little as my feelings, right? He finally decides he needs to go to bed. I let him...even though he was supposed to start on the dishes before he went to bed...I didn't even say anything. Instead, I just put on my gloves and did the dishes myself...and cleaned just about anything I could get my hands on after that. I finally went back to bed at about 2 a.m. Andy was still asleep. He had been reading almost that entire time (at least two hours). But you know what? I let that go, too. It wasn't a big deal that he had been relaxing (not sleeping) while I cleaned the crap out of the house. So I ignored it. We went to sleep. The morning came, and I woke up at about 8:15 (he usually leaves by 7:30) and he hadn't come in to say goodbye yet. So I got up to see what was going on. He was on my laptop, not showered, not dressed. So I asked him what he was doing. And he responded that he was reading about the guy who had quit. And At this point I finally started to get pretty upset with him. But I told him to please get in the shower and get to school. He did. While he was in the shower, I got on my laptop. It was still open to this guy's page...He had left an incredibly thoughtful and very heart-felt message on this guy's wall, telling him how sorry he was that he was resigning and that he appreciated all that he'd done for him (andy) during his time with the cavaliers, and how he always remembers how good he was to him....and if there's anything he can do, to let him know.
This is where I boiled over. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was hurt. I was mad. and I was really really confused. I didn't know why this guy had quit, but I really didn't care either. Andy hadn't said more than one sentence about me having cancer, and he had showed absolutely no concern about me. And yet, he was up trying to figure out what was going on with this guy he hadn't spoken to in 8 years, and leaving him such a sweet message... I'm his wife... isn't he supposed to at least pretend to give a damn about me? I talked to him about it after his shower, and he apologized for not showing more concern for me...but that was it.
Also, the day after my doctor told me that I had cancer, I had to go see another doctor. Even after telling Andy about this, he just said, 'Oh, okay.' My mom immediately said, "What time do I need to come home to go with you?" I was really glad my mom wanted to go...but I also really wanted my husband to be there with me... he didn't care, really.
Since then, things have been really strange between us. He has yet to really ask details about the radiation treatment, or anything about the cancer. I've told him some, but he never seems interested. He keeps scheduling more rehearsals with his band and more and more (it started out two days a week...now they're up to five). And that's only been since then. I have been helping with his colorguard in order to be around him more, and to (hopefully) be more involved in his life, but when I'm there I'm just part of the staff. If I approach him to talk to him, he either ignores me, or is really irritated that I'm bugging him. Last night, I went despite the fact that I felt like absolute shit. I had the worst headache I have EVER had...no exaggeration. I have never had a headache like that before in my life. I asked him if he could keep Thomas inside while I worked with the girls, he agreed. And after a while, he brought Thomas out. I chased Thomas a bit, but the more I ran, the worse my head got. I finally had to take him back inside. A few minutes later, Andy asked one of the other people who is helping out to take Thomas out to me. I, again, chased him a bit. Luckily the girls were aware of the fact that it hurt to move, and so they helped me corral him for a while. Ryan (andy's helper) asked what was wrong with me when everyone came outside. I told him 'headache'. He immediately started massaging my temples and asked where it hurt in my head. I showed him and he did all these things, just trying to help me. (When I told Andy about my headache, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry sweetie." and turned back to his band.) The headache lessened by a tiny bit (better than nothing!), and Ryan went back to the kids. A while later, I tried to talk to Andy, and for a while, he ignored me. Then finally i stood between him and the band and he said, "What?" and I told hiim that I was having a lot of problems, and the headache was getting worse. He said, "Okay, so go inside." and kept talking to the band. I said, "I don't want to go inside. I need to be out here to watch the girls." (over the band). He told me, "So go get a chair." (thanks, Andy.) I go in to get a chair, and as soon as I came through the door with it, again, his assistant takes a time-out from the kids, runs up to me and is like, "What the hell are you doing? You have cancer. You can't carry chairs." he was half joking, but his point was that when I have people around who will help me, I should take advantage of that fact. Andy didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Ryan kept cheking on me.
Now, my point in writing about this isn't to say, "Aww, isn't Ryan a nice guy?" (which, yes, he is, but!) It's to say... as my husband, shouldn't Andy have shown a LITTLE concern? Even during a short break the kids had, he ignored me. I talked to him about this on the way home, and he didn't respond. He had nothing to say.
I am at such a loss. I spend every waking moment of my life trying to get his attention. I do things, in hopes that he'll notice. Hell, I even have gone to almost every rehearsal to help his kids, all with no thank-you. No extra attention. Just... "Are you going to rehearsal tonight?" That's pretty much all he says about it. I clean non-stop around the house, and it still looks like hell because he doesn't do anything. (unless I specifically ask... three times.)
If you were ever curious what a person with a broken spirit looked like, take a look at me. As much support as I have pouring in from everyone around me, the one person I desperately want it from doesn't really seem to care one way or the other how I'm doing. As long as his band is running smoothly, he doesn't care about anything.
I love my husband, and I adore everything about my son, but I am really really really hating my life right now... And for the first time, it's not depression that's making me hate my life, it's my actual life. It's like, I find out I have cancer, and my husband has already emotionally checked out of our marriage...now what? I really do hate my life. If it wasn't for Thomas, really, I would have nothing positive in my life right now. At all.
So what now? What do I do? I desperately need someone to be supporting me right now, and instead I have someone who is around when he has to be, as silently and emotionless as possible. I don't know if I have ever felt so alone before.
Any ideas? Anyone want to talk to him? Anything? at all? | | |
| i got my thyroid removed two weeks ago. It was a pretty rough procedure, and took a long while to heal. I guess it's still not better. And it does still hurt. I went a week without the thyroid hormone that I was supposed to have as soon as I was through the surgery. I was incredibly tired and really really depressed. I've been feeling a lot better since I got the hormone.
I got a call from the doctor yesterday (which I thought was rather odd). Like, the actual doctor called me. I really didn't get to worried when I heard the message on my phone.
So I called him back.
And he told me that what I had in my thyroid were actually tumors, not just goiters. And I had four of them, not the two that he originally thought. The larger one, I can't remember what he called it, but he said that it was a form of thyroid cancer.
Here I've been joking about having a goiter and thinking that it was kind of funny. Not as funny as I once thought.
Now I have to stop my thyroid hormone (bring on the depression and insane tiredness again). I'm going to the doctor to find out what I actually have to have done. But Dr. Henson told me yesterday that I would be going through some iodine treatments, including some radioactive iodine treatments. I have to be in complete isolation for 24 hours following it, and I have to keep a very very far distance between me and everyone else in the world for a week afterwards (like...I can't touch anyone) And I'm not even supposed to be in the presence of children for the first week. I have to keep in a safe distance from any children for 2 weeks. That kills me. It is really hard to spend a day away from Thomas. It was harder than crap to go most of a week without picking him up after the surgery. And now I have to go an entire week without seeing him, and two weeks without touching him? I have to shower 2-3 times daily (washing my hair each time, and scrubbing the tub each time I shower), I have to sleep in a separate room from Andy for two weeks. I have to do my laundry without mixing it with anyone elses' for two weeks, I have to wash the toilet each time I use it, I can't make food for anyone else, I have to use disposable forks & spoons...As soon as I receive the treatment, the door will be closed behind the doctor, and I won't see anyone for at least 24 hours afterwards. I can't bring my laptop, as it could be "contaminated". There will be a TV in the room, and I am asked to bring other things such as readingand writing utensils.
I will probably have to quit this semester of classes. I can't even consider having any more kids for 6 months following the treatment (meaning all the plans that Andy & I had are now moot). All the plans I had for the next year are being flushed down the toilet...I should probably clean it out after I flush it down. hah...
my heart hurts. | | |
| I'm feeling kind of like a loser since I haven't updated my xanga since April. Even then, I don't think it was much of an update. SO much has happened, and I'm really kicking myself for not keeping it all documented like I have wanted to on here. Thomas isn't even close to a baby anymore. I call him my baby boy when I lay him down at night, but I think that I always will. I realize more and more every day that he is growing up and becoming his own person. It's kind of fascinating, really.
So...Update.
* Thomas is two months away from being two. I'm having problems coming to grips with the fact that my baby is almost two. While preparing some things for my brother & future sister-in-law's baby shower this evening, I held up a 0-3 month onesie and nearly cried. Thomas used to be too small to fit into 0-3 month onesies. We had to purchase some newborn ones because the others were absolutely huge on him.
*He weighed 27 lbs. last time we went to the doctor, but he's gone through a MAJOR growth spurt in the two weeks since then. Dr. Sheet's office hasn't measured his height in months, so I have virtually no idea how tall he is. I should probably do that myself... :)
* He is calling me 'Mommy' and Andy 'Daddy'. Andy's parents are 'Papaw' and Gram-e, who he usually refers to as 'Buba'. My parents are 'Nana' and Grandpa, but he says that the same way he says 'Papaw'. His language skills are improving by leaps and bounds. He repeats almost anything. We've had to stop swearing, as much as we can. I've taken to saying "Oh toot" instead of shit. haha! Thomas loves saying, "Mommy! Oh toot!"
* He is stringing two or three words together. He has to stop and think about it sometimes, but he is really good. He can say, "juice? more? please?" which actually sounds like "Doose? Moe? Peas?"
*When we drive by my parents' house he will say, "Zay-zee! Nana! Papaw!" and gets so excited about all of them.
*When we leave our house we have a routine. I strap him in the car seat, I sit down in my seat, he says, "poosh?" because he wants to push the garage door opener. I take it down and let him push it. I start the car and back out. he says, "Poosh?" again, so again, I hand it to him and let him push it again. Then, as we are backing out of the driveway he says, "No-no-no-no" and waves. and he will keep repeating that (four syllables) until I say, "Bye bye, Nora." Then he will say, "ah-wa-ah-wa" and I say, "Bye bye, Oliver." And then we say bye bye to daddy "da-da-da-da".
* He has been giving me kisses of his own accord. When I'm holding him, he will just, out of the blue, kiss my cheek and say, "Mwaaah!" and he loves to see how happy this makes me. So he keeps doing it. This is probably my favorite new habit of his.
* He LOVES music When he hears a song he likes/knows, he can sing the beginning of it. He sings "A, B, B, B, B, B, D" for the Abc's, in the right tune, which is great. He recognizes just the tune of the Abc's, too, which is pretty fantastic. He also sings the wheels on the bus and the eensy-weensy spider, and "e-i-e-i-o" or...old macdonald. He is absolutely in love with "The Other Father Song" from Coraline. When I play it in the car or on my computer, he gets SO excited. When it's not playing and there's other music on he will repeat, "No...No! No! No!" until I either change it or explain that there's no Coraline right now.
* He makes both his father and mother quite proud: He can make a sound through a mouthpiece and therefore will play daddy's "baba" or "momone" (tuba or trombone). Andy is absolutely tickled by this fact. He has a one year old low brass player. haha! He can also do a "plie" (in second position) and stand on his tip-toes for mommy. He loves when I dance around the house, especially when I'm choreographing something and I'm jumping all over the place. He will try to imitate me, it's wonderful. I call him my dancing boy (kudos to Harry Chapin).
* He's actually starting to appreciate his toys. He recognizes what they are and wants to play with them because he knows HOW to. For instance, he drug his little people farm out to the living room today--while saying "heh-wee! Heh-wee!" (heavy)--and was playing with all the characters and opening and closing the doors, making the animals walk around. He loves his helicopter, and anything on wheels. He especially loves busses, I think it's because one time I told him to wave at daddy on the bus. Ever since then, he goes gaga for busses! He has a couple ride-on toys and he will ride around on them and say, "bus!"
* Everything belongs to someone. He will go around the house pointing to my things (my shoes, my chair, my cup) and say, "Mommy's" (yes, he really does put the 's' on the end). Then he'll point at all of Andy's things and say "Daddy's". When i repeat when he says back to him, if I don't put the 's' on the end, he will say, "no!"
* He LOVES when we repeat what he says. It's almost like a conversation...but it's pretty one sided. He doesn't quite understand that he can talk to more than one person at a time, either. He has to address each person around him individually. Last week we were driving to Andy's band's parade with my parents. We would go by a truck and he would say, "Mommy! Guck!" and I would say, "yes, that was a truck!" and then he would say, "Nana!" and keep yelling her name until she responded. "Guck!" then "Papaw!" until he said, "What?" and then he, again, would say, "Guck!" haha he does this for everything he says. No matter who is around.
* He calls himself baby. I always call him Thomas, except when I'm putting him to bed at night, when I call him baby boy. I'll call him goober, or honey, or sweetie pie, but never baby. I don't know where he got it from.
* He is borderline obsessed with Finding Nemo. We're trying not to watch it every day now, but for a while, it really was every single day. I hate that I let him watch a full-length movie on a daily basis, but it allows me to get so much done. He definitely wants to be the center of everyone's attention. So when i'm trying to work on some chores, he makes it very difficult. So...nemo is my friend and my enemy at the same time. :)
* While we watch Nemo, he's getting to the point that he says some of the lines as the movie goes on. For example, when we first meet Dory and she says, "Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?" he will say "Do-do-do!". My favorite is the point where all the mines go off under water and a little bubble reaches the surface under a bird, the other bird looks at him and says, "Nice." sarcastically. Thomas says "Nice" with it. It's awesome. My baby knows sarcastic inflection already. He tells us before the shark appears, "Rark!" and before the boat appears, "Boat!" He thinks that Dory is Nemo's mommy. There are so many funny things he does when he watches Nemo that I can't even begin to write about them all!
* He wants to be outside all the time. He throws a fit when we have to come in. I try to oblige and play with him outside every chance that we get, but it's tough when it's so hot.
* He plays pretend, and it's fantastic. We were at the chiropractor yesterday morning and he walked over to the steps and started walking back and forth on one step, from one wall, back to the other. At each wall, he would touch it almost like he was picking a blueberry, then he would open his mouth and put his fingers inside. And finally I said, "Thomas, what are you doing?" and he pointed to the wall and said, "eat!" and he kept doing it over and over again. It was great!
* Mr. Picky eater can now tell us what he wants to eat. I will ask him, "What would you like to eat?" and he will say (for example), "Uhm....bar!" or "Uhm...Juice!" (to which I respond, you want to DRINK juice, thomas. what would you like to eat?) or "Uhm...pa-pie!" (pot pie)
* He is still as picky as can be about food, but usually I can convince him to eat something somewhat healthy. We're just lucky that he likes fruits and veggies as much as he does.
* He is a cookie monster.
* He has a LOT of teeth all of a sudden. Still lots of space between all of them (even his front ones that he's had for a while), but he has a lot more teeth, very suddenly.
* He is stubborn as can be. There are times when he won't do something (even something he enjoys) just because Andy or I asked him to. And when he's mad, if I ask him if he wants something, anything, the answer is, "NO!" between tears.
* He likes putting on mommy or daddy's shoes and trying to walk around.
* He holds onto Daddy's leg and rides on his foot...and loves it.
* He has the cutest squeal I've ever heard. I tickle him and chase him around all the time just to hear it. It's a beautiful sound.
* We went to the Indianapolis Zoo for Father's day. He was so taken with everything that he didn't take a nap until the ride home (at like 5:30...I know, I know.) He absolutely loved the dolphins and the giraffes and the elephants.
* He's added a few animal sounds to his already large animal sound vocabulary. A lizard sticks his tongue out a few times. A toad moves his jaw up and down while mouth closed. A bunny wrinkles its nose. An owl says hooo! Xailie says "owwww!" and all other dogs are still "woof".
* He knows so many words anymore that I can't begin to count them all. I mean, a year ago, he didn't even really realize that I was 'mama'. He could talk and say things like 'mama', but didn't understand that I was mama. The last time I counted his words, it was way past 50, and that was about three months ago. This kid is amazing.
Needless to say, I am a proud Mommy. There are so many things I know that I am forgetting, but I am tired of writing for now. :) I will try to do a photo update here in a bit as well. | | |
| Yes. I'm afraid that it might be official that Thomas has a girlfriend. This is none of my doing at all.
Monday we were walking into the JCYC (his daycare) and the grass was full of dandelions. He was grunting and pointing, and I said, "Thomas, do you want a flower? Do you want to pick a flower?"
"yes." His yesses are very clear.
So we picked a flower. We kept walking towards the door and I said, "Do you want to give the flower to Miss Stacie?"
He thought for a minute and said, "No." Then he thought again for another couple seconds and said, "Aub-ee?" as a question, like, "Can I give the flower to Aubrey?"
Aubrey is the only girl in his "class" and he talks about her all the time. Aubee Aubee Aubee! He talks about the other kids too, but not as much. And holy crap. He wanted to give her a flower.
I thought it was about the cutest thing he's ever said/done.
I love it when his little personality comes shining through, despite the fact he can't get out full sentences. :) I love this kid. Good grief, I am so glad he's in my life. | | |
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